the beginning of the end

I am days away from no longer breastfeeding. Days. I actually had intended to stop at the end of the month but i had no idea how quickly milk actually dries up.


I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand i loath breastfeeding. It's been a struggle from day one. Grayson was in the nicu when he was born and so the IV made him not want to eat. I had lactation consultants there several times a day trying to help me. He got more bottle then breast and because hes lazy smart he figured out bottle was way less effort for him and refused to breastfeed.


So in comes the pump. Every three hours I had to remember to go isolate myself in a room for a good 20 minutes to pump. If i was going out, the pump was there. Public bathrooms, weddings, cars, you name it.


I felt like i was constantly drenched in breastmilk. I was always full and leaky. The rare times I could get grayson to breastfeed he insisted on using a shield. He would fill the thing up then knock it off so everything spilled down on me.


I know some people love breastfeeding and found it as a bonding time but for me it was a battle. He screamed and kicked at me for 45 minutes one time because he just did not want to nurse. He wanted the bottle. So even though it was so much more work, i just pumped. At least he was getting the benefits of breastfeeding.


That was until my milk supply went away overnight. I went from having an awesome supply of 6-8 oz a pumping session to only 3oz, if i was lucky. This happened mid-september, just as i was getting ready to go back to work. After consulting both the lactation consultant and the midwife i tried eating disgusting oatmeal, downing the mother's tea, fenugreek, blessed thistle, power pumping. Pretty much every trick in the book. Instead of getting better it just got worse though.


My supply just kept going down. I even rented a hospital grade pump that i've been using the last two months. Nothing. It didn't help that as i got less milk i got more stressed. I'd just end up crying and Mark would look at me like i was a nutcase. Everyone was frustrated. I was lucky if he got two bottles a day.


So i decided 6 months was the cut off. I was done, in every way. I started taking away pumping sessions little by little and in a weeks time i'm down to pumping once every 36 hours. I didn't realize how easy it would be to stop. I feel kind of sad about it, that i can no longer provide for him. The whole thing made me feel like a total failure though, i just couldn't do it anymore.


I do wish i could have kept going, as much as i hated it. Next time I will do things a bit differently. For now though, this is the end.