a letter to grayson on his first birthday

wow. i cannot believe you are a year old. i am no longer a mother of an infant but rather a 1 year old. when people ask how old you are i will no longer answer them in months, now i will be answering in years. it happens so very fast. happy birthday my baby boy. 

one thing i want you to always remember, every day, is how very loved you are. it amazes me how much love i have for you, a kind of love i really didn't know until you came along. it amazes me even more how many other people love you just as much. please always remember, no matter what, that your family is always here for you. they should always be on the very top of your priority list. i know along the way you will probably forget this, especially when you are a teenager, but please always come back to it. so many people will come in and out of your lives. it may feel like they are the most important and that they are above your family but time will go by and they will be gone but we will still be here. still love you. still support you. there is a connection in this family which you will find no where else. remember that. 

also remember that you are amazing. every mother must tell their children that but you are different. don't get so caught up in what others think or say, it's hard not to, and it takes many years to learn to push it aside but you will be happier when you can forget about their opinions and remember how incredible you are. there is something so special about you. a spark and joy that i don't see in other children, such drive. and you are smart, so stinkin smart. i see it every day. hold on to that even when you feel dull and ordinary, because you are not. 

remember to be kind. it's something we all forget. it's very easy to get caught up in yourself, your wants, your needs. try to stop though and place yourself in other people's situation, see what they see, feel what they feel. you can have all the things in the world but if you're not kind and compassionate they won't matter. how you treat people will.

being with you every day brings me such incredible joy. you have taught me so much this year. when i first met you i wasn't quite sure how to feel, and i was scared for a while. as time went on though that fear turned into confidence and then happiness. being a mother is very tough. it's changed me. some days it's much harder then others but it's also wonderful. just seeing you clap your little hands together, or bounce up and down to a tune, for no reason at all, brings such warmth to my heart, and tears to my eyes. having you in my life has made me more compassionate, more understanding, and so much happier. you are my number one and i love you so very much. 

happy first birthday grayson. xo

mom 

life with an 11 month old

yes, i said it. 11 months old! that's only one month from him being a one year old. how did this happen so fast!? i look at him and really cannot believe who he has become, or that such a small person can have such a large distinct personality. 

i have to be on my toes at all times, he is into eeeeeverything. 

in a matter of two weeks he went from sorta walking to practically running. he is all over the place like a little drunk man, and so very proud of himself. it is amazing how smart this child is. he watches you do something a few times and boom, he's doing it to. this weekend he walked over to the back door, opened it, and let himself out into the backyard. i just sort of stood there stunned at the fact that a child who is not even one years old figured out how to escape like that! 

he has a temper like a mad hornet. he knows what he wants and he wants it when he wants it and how he wants it. if he doesn't get his way (which i don't always let him) he lets you know he is pissed. he knows right from wrong and that "no" means he better not. he will test you and wait for your reaction every time though. he's not allowed to play with certain things and he will go up to it, very slowly move his hand towards it, all the while watching you. he waits for a reaction and laughs. so bad. 

























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pinching is his new favorite thing. he doesn't do it to hurt, he just thinks it's funny. he attacked poor mark the other day, he has the bruises to show it. this child is rough and wild, a total boy. i joke that i am going to be the mother always getting the phone calls "excuse me mrs. constantine, we had a bit of an incident with grayson today", but it just might be the truth. he has an endless amount of energy. 


he is also the sweetest little boy though. he adores animals. no one gets kissed as much as the dogs do. cherrio runs like a madman to avoid him but pancake (who up until recently was not at all a fan) will lay there and let him pull on her legs and "pet" her belly. 


he eats like a teenager. full adult size meals- all day long. baby food is a fight, he wants solid food that he can feed himself. he doesn't know how just yet to get the food onto the fork and into his mouth but he tries and one day in the not so far future he will get it. almost all of my meals are shared these days. sometimes i don't even get a meal because he eats all of it! poor boy also ended up with his mama's sweet-tooth. 


when he is tired he tucks him arms into you and rolls his body onto yours so that his face is burrowed into your chest. it's one of my favorite things. we finally seem to have a bit of a napping schedule. he is up by 6am most days but will sometimes lay in bed with me till 7. around 10 he will take a nap for me. a crib nap (as opposed to having to hold him like i did before)! i never know how long it will last so during that time i am like a woman on speed. i try and get as many things done as fast as i can because once he is up he probably won't nap again, unless it's a late afternoon car nap. 


i must say though, i kind of love who is turning into. he keeps me very busy and i cannot look away for even a moment (the other day i walked into the kitchen for a split second and when i came back he had climbed onto a pillow, onto the couch, onto the end table!) but most days that's okay. i enjoy watching him learn and discover things. it's so much more fun now that he is walking. everything is so much more fun for him now. 

the most disgusting part of motherhood (or maybe my life!) yet...

Here is something i never thought would happen to me. I had a mouth full of puke the other night that was NOT my own. Disgusting, but sort of hysterical at the same time. 


After dinner friday night we were all up in grayson's room hanging out. I was on the floor and lifted him in the air above me (see where this is going...). I was laughing hysterical and my mouth was wide open. Boom! Chicken and rice puke in. my. mouth. 


I'm pretty sure i was in shock. It was in my mouth, up my nose, running down my face and in my ear and hair. I had a disgusted look on my face, grayson was confused and i started laughing. Something about me, whether it was the puke or the face i was making, sent grayson into panic mode. He was crying so hard mark had to come take him away from me. He was terrified. 


Needless to say, I needed a shower and my teeth brushed! Disgusting. 

mother's day

our mother's day was nothing extraordinary. we kept it pretty low key. grayson actually had a sleepover at his grandmom's house saturday night so sunday morning we got up early and joined everyone at my parents. not before a stop to the grocery store though to load up on cinnamon buns and fresh raison bread and eggs for a delicious breakfast. 


we spent the day enjoying the warm weather, barbecuing and soaking in the sun all afternoon. 


grayson got his first sandbox (how does it work out that this kid is always getting presents). it was a hit. he laid and rolled in the sand. picked it up and studied it as it ran out of his hand. each time it ran through it confused him as to what happened to all that wonderful squishiness that was in his hands just moments before. you could see the wheels turning, it was all over his face. 


it was a good day. 

captain. 

mmm. sand is good!

happy mother's day!

off track

I've been pretty terrible about updating recently. Grayson is getting into everything, one second I am cleaning up a mess he just made and two seconds later he is already into something else. He is all over the place, he fell and hit his head twice last week- both falls were under my watch! I am pretty sure I cried about it way more then he did. 

I feel like I need two days squished into one. I cannot get a single thing done when he is around, we literally just sit on the floor and play all day. Errands have become almost impossible, he won't sit nicely anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love spending my days with him. I am just so spent and he keeps getting up 10 minutes earlier each day. So my days have been starting super early, and with a child who does not take naps that makes for one seriously sleep deprived mother.

I put him to bed at 8, then I spend the next two hours making/having dinner, cleaning up, getting ready for the next day. THEN my day can start. I have a million projects going on right now and it's all kind of starting to take a toll. I am exhausted, sobbingly cannot control myself, exhausted.

This week we decided to join my parents down the shore for a couple days, kind of a break. I realized how stressful this summer is going to be though. I need to be by his side at all times in that house, there are way too many stairs (that cannot be blocked off), and pointy things, and glass things, and rocks. There is not one safe spot in that house where i can just plop him. Regardless of the constant hawk eye i had to keep on him it was nice to be there. I didn't have all my housework looming over me, I had some help during the day with Grayson. I felt like I was able to catch my breath for a moment.

The weather was nice enough for a late afternoon trip to the beach. We took Grayson to the beach once last summer but he was too little to really get what was going on. This time though he got it. And loved it! The child who at home looses his cool if he is more then a foot away from me took off down the beach and didn't look back. He picked up every shell along the way and inspected it. He also ate lots and lots of sand, despite my efforts to keep it out of his mouth.

Of course I did not bring either of my good cameras but I did have my phone! They are not the prettiest photos but they capture how much he loved it, and that's pretty much all that matters anyway.

 

 

It's going to be a good summer.

nap time & separation anxiety

if you are a mother, please, fill this post with comments! this post takes on two pretty big subjects, but i could really use advise on both. pass it on to other moms, i can use all the advice i can get. 


grayson is not a napper. ever since he started sleeping though the night, which is about 10-11 hours, he stopped taking naps during the day. i thought maybe that was normal but other kids sleep through the night and still nap. if i'm lucky he will take a little nap during the day but only if i am holding him, and never more then 45 minutes. 15 minutes is the norm. 


moms, do your kids nap on their own or are you making them take a nap? 


sometimes if he is really tired i will put him in his crib but he just cries and cries. he will eventually fall asleep but i am lucky if i get a half hour out of that nap. 


is this normal? should i force him to nap? maybe he doesn't need them- or is that ridiculous? i honestly don't know. i DO know that most other kids seem to be napping, and they have a schedule. please tell me what works for you, how do you do it? 


if i had a child who napped it would make life a bit more glorious. i love spending my days with grayson but it would be nice to be able to pee on my own without having a little person in there pulling at me. i would love to be able to get dressed without having him on my hip. or to be able to walk more then two feet away from him without a full on panic attack. 


i know this is normal for children but when do they outgrow the anxiety? i have memories of my sister, where she was at least six, running down the street hysterical after my mom when she left to go out one night. she was screaming and crying and totally out of control. this apparently happened on a daily basis when my mom took her to school as well. please tell me this doesn't last that long! 


grayson is a very well socialized baby. he spends lots of time with other people, i don't shy away from handing him into other people's arms. why does he panic now though when i am not at an arms length from him? when we play on the floor he will be in his own world, facing away from me, but every minute or so reach behind and touch me just to make sure i am still there. 


is there anything i can do to help him get over this panic? the last couple night's he has woken up screaming so hard that i literally run into the room expecting him to be in some sort of horrible pain. as soon as he sees me though he's okay. 


what can i do? please tell me everything that works for you. any advice would be so appreciated. 

half a year

grayson is six months today. 


i can happily say, i love six months. 


to be totally honest the first few months were really really hard for me. i had no idea things would have been the way they were. i was shocked at how horrible i was at being a mom to a newborn. it took me a while to "bond" with him, it wasn't instant like i thought it would be. i don't know if this has anything to do with the fact that after he was born i never really got to spend time with him. 


so much happened so fast. he came, the everyone else came, then they took him and sent him to the nicu. his first few days my only time with him was supervised by bossy nicu nurses. or spent parading people in and out of the nicu to see him. i didn't feel that connection that i think you're supposed to. i was so stressed about him being in the hospital. i never even got time to come to terms with the whole thing, there was always someone there every time i turned around.


when he finally did come home i was petrified. i didn't know what i was supposed to do with him. he was SO small. he didn't like to ever be put down- ever. i was getting no sleep. i was miserable. when the sun would start to go down i would have panic attacks. the thought of going to bed would throw me into a total meltdown. i knew i would have to be up every two hours. i would lay there and watch the time on the clock tick away. i was obsessed with making sure i could see grayson breath while he was asleep in the cradle. it was too much for me, all of it. 


i felt like an empty shell, my exhaustion and anxiety were getting in the way of me enjoying him. people would come over to help out with him so i could nap but i almost never did. i just couldn't. i remember spending two whole hours sobbing in bed when i should have been sleeping.


i was sure i was the worlds biggest failure. other people seemed to cope with him just fine, i couldn't understand it. days where i was alone with him i felt like the whole world was crashing around me. i don't know why i didn't know how to take care of him. it was so hard and it really shouldn't have been. 


one day though, maybe around the three month mark, i realized i didn't feel that way anymore. i don't know when or how but it had gotten better. i wasn't scared all the time and i felt like i knew how to take care of him. finally that bond had come! when i looked at him i could see how wonderful he was and i was able to enjoy him. 


since that point it's gotten better every day. right before christmas he started to sit up on his own. i can put him down now for more then two minutes at a time. he's gotten very good at entertaining himself. he sits with his toys and plays. he's happy, i'm happy. 


he doesn't sleep through the nights yet but he's better. night can come without any panic attacks, in fact its my favorite time of day. we go through his night time routine then he and i sit on the couch while i give him a bottle and he falls asleep. i hold him for hours until i'm ready to go to bed. 


not every day is easy, some days are still a bit tough, but i am enjoying him. six months is a wonderful age. he's independent enough to play with his toys alone but not so much that he won't let me snuggle him for hours. he smiles and laughs, gives kisses and reaches out for me, pets the dogs. now that we're introducing solid foods it's hysterical to see his reaction to new things. 


watching someone grow into a real person is an amazing thing. i'm so very thankful. 

bad mommy morning

i had a bad mommy morning. 

it really drives me nuts when other moms pretend like they always have it together, and they never experience a morning where both them, the baby (and sometimes the dogs!) are all screaming and crying. really? i am the only one? i doubt it. 

i can usually cope with the no sleeping thing. breastfeeding is tough. grayson eats a lot, and often. even if mark were to get up with him i would still need to be up pumping so there is no point in that. some nights he is great, other nights not so much.

last night i got no sleep. 

and for some reason grayson was off this morning. he usually sleeps till 745, leaving me enough time to get myself showered and ready to walk out the door by 8. 

not this morning. 

he was awake, and hungry, and wanting to be held. so i was trying to take care of him, and me, AND the dogs. maybe i could have dealt with it on another morning, but not this morning. not when i had been up all night either feeding or rocking the baby. 

he was crying, i was crying, the dogs were crying. okay not crying, but barking. it was a madhouse. 

then i tried to decapitate myself with the car door. i was shutting it and without thinking stuck my head in to grab something. whacked myself with the door. 

it was just one of those days. 

poor grayson had to feed himself

whatever works right?

i was trying to keep it together but the song on the radio was singing lyrics about running away so i was starting to loose it again. then i looked in my rear view mirror. 

do you see what i see?

it made me feel so much better. 

it was still a bad mommy morning though. 

happily ever after

no such thing. 

i found this amusing. 

more 

men in women's bathrooms

some of the nicer stores have women's lounges in their bathrooms. nice areas with couches and chairs. perfect for mom's who breastfeed. 

when entering the restroom area there is clearly a direction marked men, and one marked women.  

after changing grayson yesterday while out shopping he decided he was hungry and had to eat right away. i walk into the lounge and there are two men sitting on the couches. one is around my age and one is a much older gentlemen. i simply say "i believe this is the women's restroom". the younger man gets up and walks out. the older man however has a fit and refuses to leave. he feels that because he is not in the actual stall it doesn't matter.

"okay well i am about to whip out my boob so as long as you are okay with that"

the guy simply stared at me. he showed no intention of getting up. i warned him. i was adjusting myself to start feeding grayson and the man continued to STARE at me. at this point another girl in the restroom commented on how awkward this was and my friend jumped to offer a blanket to cover. 

when i finally did "whip it out" he adverted his eyes. 

i did not realize asking a MAN to leave the WOMEN'S bathroom would be so offensive. when your child is screaming to eat though you do what you have to do. it is afterall the women's lounge.