half a year

grayson is six months today. 


i can happily say, i love six months. 


to be totally honest the first few months were really really hard for me. i had no idea things would have been the way they were. i was shocked at how horrible i was at being a mom to a newborn. it took me a while to "bond" with him, it wasn't instant like i thought it would be. i don't know if this has anything to do with the fact that after he was born i never really got to spend time with him. 


so much happened so fast. he came, the everyone else came, then they took him and sent him to the nicu. his first few days my only time with him was supervised by bossy nicu nurses. or spent parading people in and out of the nicu to see him. i didn't feel that connection that i think you're supposed to. i was so stressed about him being in the hospital. i never even got time to come to terms with the whole thing, there was always someone there every time i turned around.


when he finally did come home i was petrified. i didn't know what i was supposed to do with him. he was SO small. he didn't like to ever be put down- ever. i was getting no sleep. i was miserable. when the sun would start to go down i would have panic attacks. the thought of going to bed would throw me into a total meltdown. i knew i would have to be up every two hours. i would lay there and watch the time on the clock tick away. i was obsessed with making sure i could see grayson breath while he was asleep in the cradle. it was too much for me, all of it. 


i felt like an empty shell, my exhaustion and anxiety were getting in the way of me enjoying him. people would come over to help out with him so i could nap but i almost never did. i just couldn't. i remember spending two whole hours sobbing in bed when i should have been sleeping.


i was sure i was the worlds biggest failure. other people seemed to cope with him just fine, i couldn't understand it. days where i was alone with him i felt like the whole world was crashing around me. i don't know why i didn't know how to take care of him. it was so hard and it really shouldn't have been. 


one day though, maybe around the three month mark, i realized i didn't feel that way anymore. i don't know when or how but it had gotten better. i wasn't scared all the time and i felt like i knew how to take care of him. finally that bond had come! when i looked at him i could see how wonderful he was and i was able to enjoy him. 


since that point it's gotten better every day. right before christmas he started to sit up on his own. i can put him down now for more then two minutes at a time. he's gotten very good at entertaining himself. he sits with his toys and plays. he's happy, i'm happy. 


he doesn't sleep through the nights yet but he's better. night can come without any panic attacks, in fact its my favorite time of day. we go through his night time routine then he and i sit on the couch while i give him a bottle and he falls asleep. i hold him for hours until i'm ready to go to bed. 


not every day is easy, some days are still a bit tough, but i am enjoying him. six months is a wonderful age. he's independent enough to play with his toys alone but not so much that he won't let me snuggle him for hours. he smiles and laughs, gives kisses and reaches out for me, pets the dogs. now that we're introducing solid foods it's hysterical to see his reaction to new things. 


watching someone grow into a real person is an amazing thing. i'm so very thankful.